COMMUNICATING WITH TEENS DURING TOUGH TIMES
Lisa Lewis M.A. MFT Intern

Several years ago during a particularly challenging time in our family’s life I asked my son Nick, age 19 at the time, if he was "OK". We were all experiencing intense emotions while facing some tough family issues. He looked me square in the eye and said, "Mom, don’t ever ask me again if I am OK!" I was surprised, a little hurt, and then confused. I asked him what I could say when I wanted to check in with him and he firmly said "How are you!"

The message Nick was giving me and the message that took me awhile to understand was that by asking if he was OK was assuming that something was wrong with him. I had asked all 3 of my kids that question at different times during their adolescence and I realize now that it was helping me feel better for them to say they were OK even if they weren’t. Often we are afraid of what our teens might tell us, often we don’t know if we can handle the feelings or thoughts that are very real in their lives. Our teens struggle with issues that are very real to them, some seem minor from our adult perspective and others are serious and require our attention.

Adolescence brings challenges in most every area of a young person’s life; physical, sexual, social, religious, moral, while they are facing developmental tasks that require them to deal with their own identity and how they can be accepted by their peers. Every teen will differ in how they struggle with this phase, but three common ways are; holding their struggles in, acting them out or working them through. The challenge for parents during this time is in shifting how we react. The calmer the better. Communication is going to happen often on the teen’s terms and for now we need to be able to go with that idea. Your teen may pick 10:00 at night when you are ready for bed or 6:00 in the morning while driving them to swim practice. The key here is to be available to listen. Our teens want to talk and they will talk if we listen. Listening requires the willingness to be present and attentive. Kids know when we are genuinely interested and are listening with respect and concern.

There is often information underneath what our teens are saying and careful listening can teach us what that might be. If our kids can feel safe that we can handle what they have to say, they will choose to communicate with us. My sons especially, felt that I could not handle some of what they might have shared with me because I was often anxious and fearful of what was going on in their lives. They needed to know that I could hear their concerns and struggles without getting overly upset. Talking things through can often allow teens to figure things out for themselves. When they feel that they can sort their problems out with us, they are more inclined to choose us as their sounding board.

Advice is usually not the first order of business in the dialogue. Teens want to solve their problems and often will argue with our adult wisdom just for the sake of arguing. Telling stories about our experiences, sending the message that we trust that they are capable of handling age appropriate problems and letting them know that if they need us we will make ourselves available can mean a lot to a struggling or hurting teen.

Parenting teens is tough duty and sometimes requires outside support. Many teens will open up to coaches, teachers, youth pastors or other adult mentors and we need to allow our kids to feel that this is OK. This is not necessarily a reflection on parents as much as a normal developmental way to gather adult wisdom. If, however, you feel overwhelmed by your teen’s behavior and are at a loss as to what to do, do not hesitate to get support. Check in with other parents, youth pastors, counselors at school or who work with adolescents. Sometimes a couple conversations with one of these people can set your mind at ease regarding the direction to take.
One last tip…maintain your sense of humor. I know I could have laughed more than I did during my years as the mom of three teens. It can help keep your sanity as well!