What is bitterness?
Bitterness is an attitude of prolonged, intense anger and animosity, often accompanied by cynicism and resentment. The bitter person may have been wronged or frustrated, but he or she does not try to deal with the resulting anger. Instead, the person dwells on the individual or event that caused the anger. Instead of fading away, the anger builds in the mind, and often there is a determination or an obsession about striking back or getting even.
Bitter people tend to hold grudges and are characterized by sarcasm, critical attitudes, self-righteousness, negative feelings, and frequent conflicts with others. Sometimes emotional or physical illness results because bitterness held within gets in the way of the mind’s or body’s ability to function effectively. The writer of Hebrews warns that bitterness can take root in a life and grow to “cause trouble and defile many” (Heb. 12:15).
Where does bitterness come from?
It starts with anger, the natural response to frustration, insult, or injustice. Anger can be aroused by circumstances and events that are real or imagined, intentional or accidental.
When an angered person bottles up feelings, refuses to forgive, is unwilling to let go of the anger, and/or begins to ponder ways to get even, then anger evolves into a prolonged and sometimes growing bitterness.
The bitter person can be hostile, inclined to make unkind remarks, aggressive, and occasionally even dangerous. Often, bitter people talk about how they have been maligned, mistreated, or misunderstood. This may be an attempt to justify their anger, get sympathy, or find allies in their efforts to get revenge. As they talk, they push away others who don’t want to hear all the complaints. Eventually the bitter person begins to feel alone and misunderstood. This, in turn, can lead to more anger and increased bitterness.
A Biblical Example
The Old Testament book of Esther gives a sad and sobering example of a man destroyed by his own pride and bitterness. Haman was a governmental official who was enraged when he did not get homage from a Jewish exile named Mordecai. Haman’s bitterness led to plans for mass murder, and he even built a huge gallows on which to have Mordecai hanged. But the plans backfired, Mordecai was given a place of honor in the kingdom, and the bitter Haman was hanged on the gallows that he had built for another man.
In the Bible, bitterness always is described negatively. In Ephesians 4:30-31, Paul suggested that the Holy Spirit is grieved by bitterness, and we are told in James 3:14-15 that bitter envy and selfish ambition do not come down from heaven but are “earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.”
The person who persists in bitterness may feel some passing pleasure about having a get-even mindset, but the cost of persisting bitterness is heavy and self-defeating. Most often you don’t destroy others by bitterness; you destroy yourself.
What, Then, Do We Do About It?
The Bible condemns revenge and getting even. “Do not repay anyone evil for evil,” Paul states in Romans 12:17. “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Rom. 12:19). When we hold a get-even attitude, we are persisting in sin that must be confessed and forgiven if there is to be freedom from bitterness.
When you feel that you have been wronged, the Bible instructs us to go to the person who has caused the problem, talk about the differences, and seek to be reconciled. If this fails, we can try again in the presence to two or three others who can be both witnesses and helpers. Only then (if at all) should the matter be made public (Matt. 18:15-17). The believer seeks to “do what is right in the eyes of everybody” and to “live at peace with everyone” to the extent that this is possible and “as far as it depends on you” (Rom. 12:17-18).
There will be times when this process will not work. You might genuinely try to bring reconciliation but you fail. Even so, there still can be a sense of inner peace and freedom from bitterness because you sincerely have tried to resolve the tension. God can help you let go of the desires for revenge or competition and you can move forward.
Bitterness and inner anguish are likely to persist, however, unless there is a willingness to forgive. Such forgiveness may be difficult and possible only with the help of God. After instructing readers in Ephesians 4:32 to “get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger,” Paul indicated how this can be done. “Be kind and compassionate to one another forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
If this still seems like a tall order, find help talking about your feelings with an understanding friend or counselor. If you are willing, God will remove your resentment, help you forgive, and enable you to know the freedom from persistent anger. Then you can live a life filled with kindness and compassion.
The American Association of Christian Counselors produces this article by Gary R. Collins.