Four Goals of Misbehavior

2016-01-29 03:45:10 Mackenzie Sodestrom

Parents, teachers, and adults working with children can often feel baffled at the misbehavior of their kids. Sometimes it seems poor behavior is unstoppable, even with the best interventions. And perhaps most difficult, that misbehavior can really push the buttons of the adult trying to stay calm! Did you know you can actually use your gut reaction to inform you of why your child is misbehaving?

Whether or not they know it, the child is often misbehaving to meet some need. The authors of, The Parent’s Handbook identify four main goals of misbehavior: Attention, Power, Revenge, and Helplessness. Identifying how we feel in reaction to our child’s misbehavior can give us a clue as to what the child is trying to accomplish with the behavior. We often get stuck in relational ruts, doing the same dance of behaviors over and over again. Check out the chart below for how each misbehavior plays out in a dance between you and your child:

You notice feeling...	You typically...	Your child’s reaction...	Goal of Misbehavior
Bothered, annoyed	Remind, nag, scold	Stops for a moment but later misbehaves again	Attention
Angry, threatened	Punish, fight back, give in	Continues to misbehave, defies, does what’s asked in a slow or sloppy manner	Power
Angry, extremely hurt	Get even with child, punish	Misbehaves more, tries to get even	Revenge
Hopeless, want to give up	Give up, criticize	Does not respond or improve	Helplessness

Questions for reflection:

1. What’s your most common feeling in reaction to your child’s misbehavior?
2. How can you slow down in the moment to notice what you are feeling as your child acts out?
3. What is your child’s most common type or goal of misbehavior?
4. What does your child need in those moments of acting out?
5. What are some new ways you can react that could better meet the need behind your child’s misbehavior?

*Information Adapted from The Parent’s Handbook

Parenting, Children and Teens, Mental Health